It’s amazing the things we did in our youth. Some of the best stories come from the early days of our lives when our decision making abilities weren’t quite as sharp. For some of us, we are still working on that particular skill set. Cheers.

My first car was a tank. It was a 1970 Monte Carlo. Gold. Rusted. All steel. Just a big ass car that meant business. Side note: It was so sturdy that in high school Secret Agent and I use to lightly ram each other in the bumpers. On day I felt a nudge in the rear that was a little stronger than usual (No gay jokes please). Thinking it was him being an ass clown, I looked up in the mirror and saw a girl with her hands on her face. I got out to inspect the damage and to yell savagely at the silly girl. She was driving a Geo Metro. The entire front end of her car was folded up like a taco. Hood and lights all pushed in. She was in tears. My car? The license plate was bent. I refrained from yelling and begun laughing. That was a good car.

Back to the story.

I was 17 years old, still somewhat new to the whole driving scene. (Obvious foreshadowing)

It was 10am. The sun was still low in the sky. I was taking a left on to Main St. in my small town of Gardner. My car was facing east, so the sun was in my eyes a bit. The buildings across the street were casting their early morning shadows on to the street in front of me. The light turns green. I am the first car at the light. I commence my left hand turn, and just as I drive into the shadows on the road...what do I see? That’s right, a pedestrian. An old lady pedestrian.

Enter your “oh shits” here. OOOHHHHH SHHHHIIITT!

She materialized into my field of view about 5-7 feet before impact. So I had an instant to hit the breaks and lessen the carnage and prevent my instrument of death from rolling over the old broad and extinguishing her light forever.

Thud. Impact.

I see her face as my car hits her square on. Her upper body folds up on to my hood and then she falls forward. (She falls..... not flys do to my quick reaction time to the brakes. See I really saved her life. God see’s me as a saint I know it) As my car comes to a rest in the middle of the crosswalk I sit there for about 5 seconds in complete disbelief. I process what had just happened and quickly jump out of the car to see if she is okay.

She was lying on her side in the fetal position moaning. Not a pretty sight. A witness quickly runs to her side and tries to help. I try to help but the guy helping her tells me step back. Prick...I’d like to help and all being that I am the cause of this debacle. She is unable to get up due to some trauma to her legs. Oops. Sorry lady. I didn’t see you. Cops, fire trucks and all that other jazz arrive on the scene and whisk the newly crippled away to the hospital.

I talk to the police but to my surprise I don’t receive any sort of ticket or citation. My lucky day right? That luck will soon fade a few weeks later when I see the hospital bills and/or lawsuit appear on my insurance statement. Apparently I caused about $33,000 worth of damages to grandma. I was told I just broke her kneecap. Fragile these old people are I tell you. I even took her flowers as a good gesture and to apologize. I stand true to the fact that if I would of hit someone younger, like in there 20s or 30s they might of had a bad bruise or limp. Instead I hit her and nearly take her leg apart. Suck it up grandma! My insurance company then proceeds to drop me in a hasty fashion. I end up paying out the ass for years to some special type of insurance company that only handles teenagers that no other company will insure. It’s an exclusive club.

What was this senile senior doing in the road? Didn’t she see me coming? I still get pissed at her when I think about it. Sure, she was in the crosswalk, but why didn’t she look before leaping out in front of my car like a damn gazelle. She seriously came out of no where.

I’d like to have a reunion with granny. Now that would make for a good story. But sadly, I’m sure she has passed away by now. She was 82 years old when I tagged her that fateful day 12 years ago.

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