I like many others I was involved in a Co-ed softball league a year ago. I highly recommend it. You get to tailgate before the game, (drink beer and BS about life) then play a not so stressing competitive sport. I loved the camaraderie and met some very cool people doing this. Goooooo Auto Buyers!

After the game one night we all decided to go to the local sports bar called Potts. It’s like any other sports bar you have been to, TVs on the walls, Beer memorabilia everywhere and a standard sports bar menu. We settle in, order beers and I look through the established offerings of man fuel. Burgers, cheese sticks, nachos...blah blah blah. Then something that caught my eye. It was under the Chicken wings listing. You know how most places have your customary ....mild, hot, suicide, death. Well this place had something perplexing. I don’t think it even had a name, but what it did have was a challenge. It said, “If you can eat all ten of these SPECIAL wings then you get them for free”.

Not only was this a challenge to my super masculine male ego, but it was going to save me money too. Oh yeah, I have to try these. These dead birds don’t stand a chance.

I love spicy food. It gives me a rush. The sort of exhilaration that you may get from jumping from a plane. You know it could kill you but you keep doing it away. My roommate and I even have special “Villa Sauce” shipped to us from Springfield, MO because it is intensely hot but with an oh so smooth and sweet taste to it.

The gauntlet has been throw down. I order the wings. The waitress smiles at me and questions my decision making abilities. I display typical make dominance behavior and tell her I’m not scared of anything, let along some dead spicy bird meat. Now hop to sweetie and be prepared to take this off my check.

My test arrives. I ask for ranch. I love ranch. If I could cover a women’s body in ranch and lick it off her, I would be a happy camper. Then I would be able to check that adventure off my list of things to do before I die. (sorry for the random side note there)

I am fully prepared. I realize these are going to be hot so I have a fresh beer and water sitting in front of me.

I begin.

I quickly consume the first of ten wingers laid out in front of me. It is hot. Real hot. I begin to sweat immediately. I usually sweat when eating spicy food. Usually right underneath my eyes. Weird I know. But after the first wing my entire head was moist. I knew then that I had a monster on my hands. Yes, my lips, tongue, mouth were on fire and I have consumed a half glass of water after just one, but I have had hotter before I thought, and started on number 2.

The heat from the first did not dissipate as I began to eat the second. The the heat factor quickly doubled as did my stress level. At this point I pretty much knew I was going to being paying for these damn devil spawned little birds. The fire in my mouth was just to much to stand. I drank all of my beer and my refilled water in the next minute. People were pointing and laughing at the sweaty bald guy going in to a panic. I was legitimately crying because of the heat. Free flowing tears. I was a wreck. Wing two done.

Being the stubborn competitive male that I am. I pushed on. But only for about 2 bites of the third wing. It was just too much for this Kansas boy. I throw in the towel, dry my eyes and proceed to drink water and beer heavily. Everyone was laughing at me. Normally I like the attention and being the star attraction...but this was not admiration and adulation they were pouring upon me, it was persecution and I told you so’s. I need new friends.

I was literally in pain and questioned ending it all by standing in front of a bus.

After about 30 minutes of hell, I regained composure. I then tried to pawn these wings off on unsuspecting tables near by. This was fun. I had one taker. I’m not a total heartless bastard so I did tell her they were hot. Deathly hot though....um no. She ate one. Turned bright red and started crying. (see its a reaction to the wings and not that I’m just a total weak ass!) All of her friends laugh and tell me I’m funny. Positive attention has returned. I like this.

Night ends.

Next day, as fate would have it, I would relive the wings one more time. Yes on the way out. I had no idea that my browneye had taste buds or what have you. But once those damn things came out it, they were just as hot as they were when they went in. How this is possible I have no idea. But I was once again in a full on sweat.... and yes, I also cried again.

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If you have any comments or would like to email me personally you may do so at:
RagingRyan@gmail.com
Cheers